I Work Full-Time and Care for My Mom Part-Time; How Balance Caregiving

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kayla Tlatelpa, 33. She’s been caring for her 69-year-old mother, who is paralyzed on the left side of her body, while also working as a manager in New Jersey. The essay has been edited for length and clarity.

I’ve been working at a pharmaceutical company for the past five years, most recently as a manager. I also care for my mom part time, but I’m always on call.

I only recently disclosed my caregiving responsibilities to my employer. I never wanted it to seem like an excuse for me not to deliver on my work. I had associated help or support with pity, and I’ve gone through a lot, but I don’t want to be pitied.

Now, I realize the value in tapping into support and resources.

I started wearing the caregiver hat while in high school

My mom was in a car crash in 2008. She was rear-ended and thrown into oncoming traffic. My grandparents were also in the car. My mom was the most beaten up from the collision.

Two days after the crash, she had a stroke and was in an induced coma for almost a month. We found out that she had become paralyzed on the left side of her body. Since then, she’s been in a wheelchair.

Once you’re a caregiver, you’re almost always a caregiver

As a caregiver, even if you’re not physically present, you have a financial or mental obligation. You’re always thinking about who you care for.

I’m the only one among my siblings who knows how to transfer my mom, bathe her, and do all those activities of daily living. My siblings took care of insurance and finances when I couldn’t. Everyone played a role, but I was the one who just jumped into being a hands-on caregiver.

We have two amazing home care aides who are there every day. We pay out of pocket to cover hours outside what insurance covers. We also pay for occasional overnight care and bonuses ourselves.

My siblings and I split the monthly total for the aides, extra care hours, and expenses like bed pads.

I chose a state college

I wanted to experience being away from home. I was able to move away for school because of my dad and home care aides, but caregiving responsibilities for my mom ramped up when I moved back after college in 2015.

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I lived at home again for a few years and moved out in 2021. I ​​live on my own now in an apartment not too far from my parents. Being a caregiver now means physically being there three days a week or when a home care aide calls out.

I also helped my brother during his last few months

My brother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died in June 2022. I would go to his home in Connecticut during the week, and I would still make it into the office when I had to, which was two days a week.

I still checked in on my mom, too, but I was the one by my brother’s bedside. I took work calls on the train or next to his kids playing so that he and his wife could have time together.

I started a new job within the same company in September

For so long, I just didn’t feel like there was a place for me to disclose at work.

In February, a higher-up told some of us at lunch that they had to be a caregiver and step away from delivering the way that they were used to. It was the first time that I heard that type of messaging from someone so high up without an emotional, dramatic twist.

I realized just how much power there is in vulnerability — you don’t have to go through these traumas to be understanding. We can be vulnerable as a team and say, “I’m at capacity with my workload. Is there someone else who can take it on?” That lunch was such a life-changing thing for me.

I’m more accepting of my situation now. I extend myself as much as I can, but I’m feeling OK when I do have to step away because I shouldn’t have to feel bad for having to be there for my parents. My team has been great in bringing it up and recognizing it.

Prior to that lunch in February, my take on balancing it all was poor

I really struggled with balancing work, caregiving, dating, and social activities.

Before last year, I was doing overnight duty twice a week, but I realized my dad doesn’t work, and even though I would love to help him, I have to go to the office. I stepped away from that responsibility.

I now have a routine where I choose where to overextend myself. For so long, I wanted to be everyone’s favorite aunt who showed up to all the soccer games and dance recitals and still made it to mommy duty on time.

A shift in pride and perspective, and doing therapy more often, has been life-changing. I’ve also started doing hot yoga. Working out makes me feel I’m doing something positive for myself, and it can also be relaxing.

I always describe caregiving as an overwhelming experience

Caregiving is filled with negative emotions but also so much love and so many belly laughs. I have a really close and beautiful bond with my parents that I don’t think my other friends have.

I’ve connected with so many people who I didn’t think understood my life up until this point, after I posted about my experience on TikTok.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer last year, and she’s in remission now. I’m the one who was there, and then I was pulled away from work.

Navigating those heavy moments comes with a lot of big emotions, but I can’t imagine it being any different.

Are you a caregiver? Reach out to this reporter to share at mhoff@businessinsider.com.