Astronomer CEO Spotted With CPO: Why Everyone Is Hooking up at Work

We don’t know the story behind the Astronomer CEO and his Chief People Officer allegedly captured on Coldplay’s kiss-cam. Still, the debacle has ignited a debate about workplace romances. Are they kosher? How should you handle them?

Falling for a coworker is pretty common. Barack and Michelle Obama met as coworkers at a Chicago law firm. The “Good Morning America” hosts T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach left their spouses for each other. And, of course, there’s the beloved Jim and Pam from “The Office.”

A 2017 Stanford study found one in 10 US couples met at work, while in a recent Forbes survey of 2,000 working age Americans, 60% of people said they had experienced an office romance.

We asked Annie Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist, if any of her clients have had an emotional or physical relationship with a coworker — including affairs.

“It’d be easier to mention the times it hasn’t come up,” Wright told Business Insider. “Falling for, or having an affair with, a coworker is so much more common than people tend to admit publicly. And I do have the privilege of being inside the hearts and minds of thousands of people at this point.”

Wright said workplace romances tend to start not with action but feelings — fantasies, quiet longings, and “a mix of confusion and shame.” If her client is having an in-office affair, she often finds it isn’t about the new relationship at all; it’s about igniting something they’ve lost within themselves.

Even if the relationship isn’t an affair, romances between co-workers can be a headache not just for HR, but for colleagues who have to deal with their loved-up (or eventually broken-hearted) colleagues.

Work is fertile ground for intimacy

Workplace romances have been happening for hundreds of years. There are accounts dating back to 1870 of dalliances — then called “behaviors of no name” — between men and women in white collar offices, documented by the historian Julie Berebitsky, author of “Sex & The Office: A History of Gender, Power, and Desire.”

We spend a lot of time with our coworkers. Bureau of Labor Statistics data shows that full-time workers average 7.6 hours of work per day. If you’re awake for 16 hours a day, that means over a third of your waking life is spent at work — in person or over Slack.

“Simply seeing someone around frequently can make us feel more comfortable with and closer to them,” Vanessa Bohns, a professor of organizational behavior at Cornell University, told BI.

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It’s called the “mere exposure” effect, Bohns said: “The more often you encounter someone or something, the more you report liking that thing or being attracted to that person.” Add that to the “propinquity effect,” the human habit of forming relationships with people we are physically close to.

“One famous study showed that people were more likely to develop close relationships with their next door neighbors than with people four doors down,” Bohns added.

It makes sense: the more you’re around someone, the more likely you are to build familiarity, learn their quirks, and see new sides to them.

Plus, coworkers often share goals, stress, a routine, and their environment. They might rely on one another for reassurance or help with difficult tasks. Day-to-day, your coworkers can help you feel safe, successful, and in control.

These “are raw materials for emotional intimacy,” Wright said. That’s why, while the workplace may feel like an inappropriate place for intimacy, in many ways it’s natural.

“We’re dressing up, problem-solving together, or feeling seen or admired in ways that probably don’t happen at home when you’re being nagged to empty the dishwasher and shampoo your kids’ hair,” Wright said.

“It’s almost intoxicating to be seen by someone in your work world, especially if you feel unseen or taken for granted elsewhere.”

The midlife desire to feel alive

In her clinical practice, Wright sees a “notable uptick” in workplace romances “between the late 30s and the early 50s,” particularly among people in relationships.

“It’s a season where people begin to reevaluate everything: their marriage, their purpose, their sense of vitality,” Wright said. It’s not about infidelity, per se; it’s about identity.

If you’re married with kids, you and your partner have probably done some of the hardest and least exhilarating stuff together — budgeting for daycare, packing lunches, doing taxes, and working out who’s washing the dishes this time. Wright calls this “the grind stage” of relationships.

A juicy connection with a coworker “pierces the autopilot” of your domestic routine, possibly awakening long-buried parts of yourself, Wright said. Of course, if your relationship is already falling apart, a familiar face can also provide solace and support.

“What they’re usually trying to work out in the room with me isn’t ‘should I pursue this?’ but rather ‘what is this awakening of me?'”

Is it OK to have a workplace romance?

There is a reason everyone is sharing that kiss-cam clip. It’s the same reason workplace romances are so common in pop culture — take “Scandal,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” or “The X-Files.”

“It really kind of disrupts the fantasy that work is separate from life,” Wright said. As outsiders, “we feel compelled to look at this, whether it’s to condemn or to empathize, or honestly, because they’re acting out a part of us that wishes we could do it. And we’re wondering, well, what if I did that? It’s a cultural lightning rod.”

Is meeting someone at work inherently wrong? Not necessarily, but it’s complicated.

According to research by the Society for Human Resource Management, workplace romances can increase the risk of awkward or hostile work environments (if it doesn’t work out, seeing your ex every day is not exactly fun). There’s also a risk other employees may file conflict-of-interest claims, Bohns said — you don’t want other employees feeling like someone is getting special treatment.

The big question to consider if you want to enter into an office romance, though, is: what’s the power dynamic? Does one of the people in this liaison have control over the other’s career?

That’s why Bohns believes workplaces should be proactive, designing policies that protect the individuals involved and their professional colleagues from confusing dynamics. “Policies that forbid workplace romance are bound to fail,” Bohns said.

If you find yourself in an office romance, Wright suggests taking a moment to think about what emotional need this is tapping into — particularly if you’re already in a relationship. With clients, her primary goal is to strip out any shame or sheepishness so they can get to the root of what it is igniting.

Sometimes, in the middle of spreadsheets and Slack messages, we don’t just find connection, we find ourselves.