Performance Review: I Was Failing Miserably at My Job and Motherhood

My performance review at work stopped me in my tracks.

I was in shock when my manager told me I had achieved brilliant results, but my lack of attention led to minor mistakes, which eventually became a pattern and negatively affected my performance.

That day, I managed to go back home, keeping my head high but in a fog of confusion. It was only when I arrived at my house and went on my balcony that the weight of what happened piled on me. I felt like a failure.

I tried so hard to juggle so many plates: being a great mom to my baby daughter, learning the nuts and bolts of my new job, and keeping it all together. But the mental overload was massive.

I was dropping off and picking up my daughter from day care every day, working all day, preparing dinner for everyone, putting my daughter to bed — and often falling asleep next to her — then waking up at 2 a.m. to clean the kitchen and tidy the living room.

Something needed to change.

I had to first accept that I was failing at doing everything

On that day, I cried on my balcony for hours, releasing months and months of bottled emotions that needed to be released: anger, resentment, shame, disappointment from everything I accepted despite fuming inside, the unsolicited guidance for my daughter, people’s judgment about me coming back to work after only six months maternity leave, and my perfectionism. It was too much.

After letting all of those emotions out, something shifted, and I realized I had lost perspective. I was so engrossed in day-to-day life that I couldn’t see what was happening.

I was on a mental roller coaster, like a hamster in a wheel, and I needed to be stopped. I started to observe what I was doing and realized that I was indeed making many minor mistakes.

It was like preparing a chocolate cake; the center is delicious, but the look of the cake repels you from even trying it.

When I saw my mistakes with my own eyes, from a place of non-judgment, I had a breakthrough moment and understood why I needed someone to be honest and tell me the truth.

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I had to ask for help

From that, I wanted to do better. I created my own audit system to stop making these mistakes, but this “wake-up call” led me to reflect, to stop trying to be “perfect,” and to ask for help.

I spoke to one of my friends about what happened, and she helped me ask my manager for flexible hours. He agreed to change my schedule, helping me to be less stressed and on time to pick up my daughter from day care. Meanwhile, my husband agreed to bring my daughter to the nursery every morning.

When I made these changes, I felt a sense of freedom. I could take the time to do things. I didn’t feel as pressured as before, and I could enjoy being in the present.

I fell into the trap of isolating myself with very high standards before, and I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to rely on others and focus on the things I can control.

Slowing down to see clearly

This new pace of life led to another change. I came across an article in a personal development magazine, and it resonated so much with me that I bought it immediately.

I still wanted to be a great mom, wife, and friend, but I realized one important thing: I had to keep my cup filled, so I could be there for myself and others.

This magazine also helped me gain a deeper understanding of what happened to me, sparked my curiosity about wellness practices, such as meditation, and helped me be clear about what I wanted.

Failing was the best thing that happened to me. It opened my eyes to asking myself what I truly wanted and to living a more mindful life.

Most importantly, it helped me be my best self.